Buddy?

I forgot to mention in my post that I really need a buddy who I can text when I'm having a tough time, I need someone to tell me to suck it up and deal with the pain and remind me of the wonderful results I will see if I stick it out. If anyone else would like the same, reply to this post and email me. I would love to have someone to talk to that understands. Peace and Love girlies*

I will not eat...

I will not eat.  I will not eat.  I will not eat.  This is the rule, everything else is bearable if I am in control in this area.  I can deal with the fact that my mom hates me and that I'm married to the wrong person if I just stay in control.  I can not think about anything else.  Because if I do everything will turn to shit. I will think about those beautiful bones and being the thinnest girl at my college. That is my goal, I will not stop until I get there.

There is nothing more beautiful than this...

My Passion or Security?

Hello my beauties! I have been unbelievably busy with school/homework, my son and everything in between but I am loving every minute! I love college and I'm working on a scholarship essay right now. I really want to win, just to be able to say I won a scholarship would look great on my resume and I am very competitive in nature so naturally I want to kick every one's ass! You see every one in a certain class I'm taking has to apply for one as an assignment and I don't want to sound cocky or mean but the majority of my class mates are not that bright. There are quite a few older people who are coming back to college after twenty years and are terrified of modern technology i.e computers so I just don't see them being capable of typing up a paper with correct grammar. I can't stand any one in my class. There is one girl who is fairly close to my to my age but she is ghetto and a little trashy (even though she could be really pretty) and she is obnoxious. I just want to go to school and do amazing. I'm not into socializing with these people. I know I sound like a stuck up bitch but you would get it if you could see the kind of people that are in my classes. I can't wait until I transfer to the university. It will be so much better than community college. But community college is cheaper to get my pre-recs out of the way and earn my associates degree. Then it's off to bigger and better things! So I am majoring in Journalism and minoring in fashion so I could write for a fashion mag but I have also been thinking about majoring in theater. My ultimate passion is centered around art. I would be so happy doing anything where I can let my creative juices flow and get paid for it. Now you may say "why even think about it, just do what you love?" Job security. Plain and simple. I love writing too and obviously that takes my creativity as well but I would love to do anything to do with the arts even more. I'm just worried about what kind of job will make me good money and if I can count on having a job with that major. So if I did major in theater there is a lolcal theater program that is very big and to work for them would be amazing on my resume. I guess I'm just worried that having a job involving the arts would not offer as much job security as say journalism. I need some opinions on this girls. And if you read this far thank you! I know I rambled on. So what do you all think about majoring in any arts degree? Not just theater give me ideas! I value your opinions!

Veggies Rule!

I know I've been away for a little while but I'm back! I've been having an emotional battle with myself lately. I am seriously considering breaking things off with my husband. We already don't live together right now and I feel that the only reason I'm still with him is for the benefit of his feelings. I'm not in love with him anymore. He doesn't make me happy and in fact I get embarrassed of being with him in public which is silly I know but I feel like everyone knows just by looking at us that we are not meant to be together. Uhgg I just need to find the courage to do it. 


So...I have decided to go back to being a vegitarian! I was before I had my son and I started eating meat during the pregnancy for health reasons. I was very anemic even with vitamins so I needed the nutrients. But I am going back because honestly I enjoy eating that way, I have never liked meat and I am very against the way that it is raised these days. Also there are a lot of dinners where I will have to resort to eating a salad and that's a great way to have the excuse not to eat dinner without looking like I have food issues!



Oh and I got a new scale! It's very cool I program my height in it and it tells me my BMI my water ration and body fat ratio, and also my goal weight and it keeps track of my last twelve weigh ins. They have it at walmart.

Love Sick

Today I started the ABC Diet so it's 500 calorie day! I do really well at restricting when I am following a specific plan so I'm thinking this may work well for me and keep me out of the binge/purge cycle.

I started reading Love Sick by Jake Coburn today. It's about a guy who is offered an under the table scholarship to keep an eye on a wealthy girl who is bulimic. I think he ends up falling for her although I haven't got that far yet. It's really good so far. Does anyone have any suggestions for ed related books (besides wasted)? I love to read and it keeps me motivated to stay on track.

Liquid Tuesday

I had planned on doing a fast today but I decided it will be a liquid diet instead,I have some V8 juice that I really want to drink and I think it will make going without food alot more bearable.

I'm getting so sick and tired of staying with my family, my mom and I have always clashed and to make matters worse the whole reason I gained weight to begin with was because they all eat like pigs. It's disgusting, and my mom bakes some kind of fattening sweets everyday or has my dad go to the store to get cake,ice cream cookies,you name it..And she wonders why she's over weight,learn a little fucking self control! *deep breath*

Okay I'm in bitch mode I can't help it I always feel so irritable and then on top of it my mom is the worst fucking human to live with. I need to move out soon, I didn't think I would be staying even this long but I've been tight on money lately. :( Life sucks sometimes.....

I really want to make a bracelet....

Oops..I did it again

I told myself that I wouldn't purge for the sake of my health but any time that I give in to eating something unhealthy, I over eat,I would't really call it a binge but more than I would allow myself to eat, and I absolutely cannot stand the feeling of being full, so I purge it all out. This is the third time this week that I have done it.

But I have to be thin...bones visible thin...

I cannot wait to see those beautiful lovely bones...hip bones,collar bones,rib bones,wrist bones,shoulder bones...you get the idea, I know many of you have this same craving and maybe I'm sick to say I'm glad you feel that way too, it means I'm not the only one who has these fantasies of rubbing my hands over the potruding bones and knowing that I am strong for having made it there, not many people can get to that place and I know I can, I've been there before, I will be there again.

Peace Love and Skinny Wishes to All

Stalked

A couple of days ago I got in the car to drive my son to school and I noticed pretty quickly that I had a flat tire so I got out and looked and it was slashed! Now this is actually my parents car because I need to fix the brakes on mine but I've been driving this car for about two months (plenty of time for someone to think it's mine.) So  today when I get in the car to leave it doesn't start. My dad left it unlocked last night after he got the rest of the presents out and someone went under the hood and disconnected the intake and took a piece to it. I find this very disturbing, we live in a very safe neighborhood (well as safe as you get in the U.S) there are actually at least two sheriffs that live in the neighborhood. I don't know if I have some kind of ex-bf stalker or if it's a random stalker but something is def going on and it's really freaky. I want to get one of those tiny cams and catch them in the act. That would be epic...

Ok yesterday I did so well all day and then finally gave in to the cake and felt so guilty about it that I purged. I used to get this great feeling after a purge but yesterday I felt like shit, like I was still going to gain a ton (I didn't) but I didn't lose either and I've been losing every day lately. I will do better today. I read on someones blog last night that she had a new rule that no food is allowed to touch her lips during day light, my rule will be exactly opposite because night time is when I get the most cravings. I can restrict perfectly all day, even evening, but as soon as it's dark I get the urge to eat. So I will not eat when it's dark out, no exceptions, ever.

Here is a little thinspiration for the day...

Anti Social

Sometimes the less I eat the less I can handle being around other people, I don't know why this is. Today is my son's bday as I mentioned earlier. We had a party and my bestie showed up with her bf and his brother,my husband was there as well with a friend of his I don't really like and then all our family. I had a very hard time staying in the conversation, here and there something would catch my attention and I would join in but I kept finding my self staring off in to space or getting anxious like I had somewhere else to be. My bestie (I'll call her C) and I wandered away a couple times and when it's just us two I felt calm. She's my biggest real life thinspiration btw. Maybe it's the fact that M and I aren't living together right now and I'm trying to figure out if I really want to stay married to him. I love him, I really do but there are times when I feel like we are from different planets. He does treat me really good though. It's like a tug of war going on in my mind. Anyways I managed to skip out on eating cake, I had diet coke and a handful of tortilla chips. That's all I've had so far but there is left over cake in the house so we'll see if I can resist temptation the rest of the day. Sweets are my weakness, I can resist anything else easily but I always have to remind myself why I can't eat sweets. 


Does anyone else get anti social when they've been restricting?


I WILL BE THIN


Reverse thinspiration this is sick and it is what happens to people who eat...

Cake Day

This has to be super quick, My little one is having his fifth bday today and I'm a little stressed about the cake thing. I really don't want to have a piece but it would be weird if I didn't, so I'm thinking I may just have a piece and that will be the only thing I eat today.


On a lighter note I weighed in at 168 this morning, that's a loss of 6lbs in 4 days! So that's good but i just can't help feeling shitty at the same time... I'm still fat and I won't be happy until I'm not.


Well ladies I'll post later and let you know how the day went.


Think Thin

Tears

She faces the world with tears behind her eyes
Once she was beautiful, thin
But now her body lies
She looks in the mirror
Herself she does despise


So she dances through her world
With tears behind her eyes......


I have nothing else to say right now

Pancake

I was doing so well damn it I worked by butt off today doing The Biggest Loser dvd workout (wich is great btw), and then came dinner time my mom decided to make german pancakes wich I had never had before and to make it worse she put strawberries and powdered sugar on it and brought it to me wtf?!? She never does that crap anymore..not since I started staying with them again..she has treated me like the adult I am and not ever monitered or cared what I eat. 


So...I have no fucking idea how many calories were in that pancake and it's driving me crazy! But here's what I ate earlier...


Breakfast: 190 cal slim fast


Lunch: 83 cal..turkey slices and 1/4 cup tuna


Snack: 30 cal strawberries (handful)


Dinner: Pancake with powdered sugar and strawberries NO IDEA :(


After dinner I felt depressed and I was super tired so I took a really long nap..I know I should have gone and burnt it off but I was feeling sorry for myself. Yawn..I'm still tired but here is a little thinspiration...






Ain't that the truth!

tHiNk tHiN

My First Blog Ever

Hello beautiful people! First of all I have to tell you this is my first blog ever so bare with me I'm learning...


I think I should start with telling you a little about myself, my journy with ana and mia, and what made me decide to start a blog about it.


I first met ana when I was 11 yrs old, I remember pinching my fat in front of the mirror thinking I was a blimp and I was going to do something, I was going to be beautiful. This obviously progressed through my teen years and then I got caught...People made me Eat...They made me Fat...I had to start over and I hated myself more than ever.


When I had to start over I discovered mia...Oh how I fell in love! To eat and not get fat...to eat and still lose weight. So ana and mia started working together....


By this time I was 20 and getting closer to my goal but I got pregnant...fuck...I knew I would get fat and there was nothing I could do about it without killing my baby....sooo long story short I gained too much weight from eating Alot all the sudden. I ended up being 200 pounds right after my son was born.So so gross...Since then I have lost and gained lost and gained and right now I weigh 172(it was 174 two days ago so I am making progress)I am 5'6 btw...It pisses me off  that I let myself get here again so close to my high weight..well close in my mind..in my mind if I weigh 150 or more it is absolutly unforgivable. But anyways, I am documenting my weight loss this time so I will be held accountable and have support from people who understand...


My Meals Yesterday


Breakfast: slim fast drink 190 cal


Lunch 1/4 cup of tuna 60 cal


Snack: snack bar 100 cal


Dinner:1 slice of costco pizza 260 cal


Desert: snack bar 100 cal


Chewed two peices of gum as well 10 cal


Total:720


That still seems like alot of food and calories to me hmm ill have to cut back more today, I've only had 190 cal so far but of course it's still early. I d like to make sure I have something to start my metabolism in the morning though so I can burn cals...NE ways sorry so long I'll post again at the end of the day with my calorie intake and how the day went. 


Look foward to meeting you girls!










Beautiful arms!